The day before

So I've never been one to write a blog or put my thoughts and feelings onto paper or online media but I thought this would be a good time to start so that one day I can look back on this and never forget the journey that I'm about to begin...

It all started back in late July when I started getting indigestion. I was experiencing bloating and discomfort  and had difficulty breathing  after every meal and had a feeling of fullness despite only having eaten only half of my dinner. I also had this metallic, almost ammonia like taste in my mouth. I was also going to the bathroom 4-5 times a day which was very unusual. I knew something was wrong after three days of these symptoms and it wasn't getting any better. I decided to email my doctor and let her know what was going on. She called me the next day which was Friday, July 24 and asked me to get some blood work done to see what was going on. I did the blood test later on that day and got the results the following day. The readings were all normal for the most part except for my creatinine level which had something to do with my kidneys. I got really worried as the number was extremely high relative to where it was 7 months ago and a year before that too. However, as it was a Saturday, I had to wait until Monday to talk to my doctor about it.

I went to see her Monday afternoon and after she looked at my results, she said she needed to call another doctor. I was already worried but became even more worried after she said that. She came back and said I needed to go see a kidney specialist right away. I met with the kidney doctor that same day and he informed me that based on my readings, it appears that I had less than 15% functioning left in my kidneys. He then started talking to me about dialysis and possibly a kidney transplant. Mind you, this was a lot to take in all at once! My immediate reaction was...my god, am I going to die? My first question to him was "is this fatal doc?" to which he answered no (thankfully). He said that plenty of people live quite normal lives on dialysis and if I'm a candidate for a kidney transplant, the success rate is more than 95%. So, at least we had some good news! He then said we don't really know what's going on in there to really make a prognosis so he ordered me an ultra sound and a CT scan. I got the ultra sound the next day which revealed the kidney had swollen up but they had no idea what had made it swell up. The CT scan that Thursday revealed that there was blockage in my ureter which was why the kidney was swelled. However, they also found a "blob" growing in my abdominal area which they had no idea what it was but surmised that it was the reason for the blockage of my kidney. BTW- I say "kidney" and not "kidneys" because the CT scan revealed that I only had one good functioning kidney and that the other kidney had been blocked and ceased to stop working "ages ago". (One can perfectly live a normal life with just one kidney). They decided that I needed a nephrostomy procedure to remove the swelling and would take a biopsy of the blob. So, now the flood of emotions all come back. What was this blob that was in my stomach area? Was it an infection? Was it a tumor? Or was it something else? I just hoped it wasn't anything serious.

On Friday, July 31- that same week after I went to see my primary doctor- I had the nephrostomy procedure to reduce the swelling in my left kidney. They stuck a catheter into my kidney which led to a tube and a bag so that the urine and toxins would be let out. The tube and bag is something that I'll have to live with at least for the next few months so that my remaining kidney could heal some and they would reassess later if it was healthy enough to not need dialysis. All in all, the procedure went fine. The only scary part was having an IV tube stuck into my veins as I had never had one before. They had to give me a drug to calm my nerves! (I hate needles!). They took a biopsy of the blob and said I wouldn't get the results until Tuesday. Obviously, I was anxious to learn the results but I tried not to dwell on it too much over the weekend. I was in severe pain from the procedure so tried to concentrate on getting better and adjusting to my new contraption that was hooked to my kidney.

On Tuesday evening at 5pm, I get an email from my kidney doctor and it said that the test results came back and the diagnosis was follicular lymphoma (grade A). I didn't know what lymphoma was so had to look it up. It said it was a blood cancer. Cancer??? You mean I have cancer and this is how you inform me about it...over email?!! Obviously, I was shocked and the flood of emotions that I felt just a week ago all came back. I replied to my kidney doctor and asked him what it meant. He called me a few minutes later saying that someone would be in contact with me soon to set up an appointment with an oncologist. I started to ask him a flood of questions about the lymphoma to which he replied that he couldn't answer them because it wasn't his area of expertise. This was incredible...I was just informed over email that I had cancer and there was no one I could talk to about it until I saw an oncologist. My first initial reaction was one of disbelief; the second was "why me?" I had heard of other people getting various types of cancer and there's an over alarming statistic of how many people get diagnosed with cancer each year but never in a million years did I think that I would be one of those statistics. Let me tell you, the 6 days of waiting until my oncologist appointment the following week was surreal. I had to break the news to my wife, my family and a few close friends; I went through all  the range of emotions one can go through given this type of news: I cried several times (yes, I'll admit it that I cried) as I didn't know what stage of cancer I was in and what the success rate of beating it would be; I had anxiety as to what this meant for myself and my family, what my quality of life would be from now on, and just in general, anxiety over not knowing what the next steps were.

I met with the oncologist on Monday, August 10 and he confirmed that I had lymphoma but the PET scan revealed that it was only mainly in my abdominal area and the tumor was the reason why my kidneys were blocked. But he wanted me to get a bone marrow biopsy to see if the lymphoma was also in the bone marrow as this would determine the stage of cancer I was in. He said that because of my age and my health, his expectation was that the chemotherapy treatment would be effective so he was talking more about and preparing me to understand that this disease is a chronic disease and that there is no cure of it and that even though we may be able to get it into remission, at some point, it would come back. It was a lot to take in obviously, but I found comfort in his words to know that his expectation was that the treatment would be effective. We did the bone marrow biopsy later on that week and this past Monday, August 17, I was diagnosed with stage 4 follicular lymphoma. They had found traces in my bone marrow hence the stage 4. But all that really means is that the cancer was in one main area of the body and they found traces in other parts of the body. Luckily, with lymphoma, the treatment is the same no matter what stage of cancer it is in. Despite the news to be not what I wanted to hear, the meeting with my oncologist was in a way, a little relieving. We now knew the full picture: what stage I was in, and what the treatment plan was. He put me on the R-CHOP chemo treatment plan, a pretty standard plan for non-hodgkins lymphoma. My treatment was to begin on Friday, August 21.

In the days since the diagnosis and waiting for my treatment to begin, I've been able to connect with a lot of people who had cancer, or know of people who have the same disease as me. I've started telling more people as the opportunities arise (I just felt a bit weird calling up my friends and telling them I have cancer so in the beginning, I kept it only to a small circle and only told other people if the opportunity arose). It's been very comforting talking to my friends and sharing the news with them. While everyone has been shocked, everyone has been so supportive and it's so encouraging to see how many people care about me- whether it be my family, friends, friends' extended family, work colleagues or just people with similar diagnoses. I went to a cancer support group this past week and met a lot of really good people who are going through or have gone through the journey that I'm about to go on. They gave me a lot of great insights of what to expect come chemo treatment and I feel more prepared for it more than ever. I will continue to go to this support group as I know it will benefit me a lot.

I am grateful for the friendships I have with everyone and I know that I can count on them as I start my journey. My dad's friend who was diagnosed with the same lymphoma that I have 17 years ago and is still cancer free gave me some really good advice which I will try to follow. He told me that this is the time to be selfish, to focus on myself and to rely on others who are there to support me. So, to those who have offered their help, I am probably going to take you up on your offers at some point- whether it's to take me to my appointments, going on my daily routine walks (I live right by a lagoon and it's a very scenic 30-40 minute walk), bringing me food (I am going to gain weight contrary to what people think of chemo as one of the drugs will give me an appetite), helping to watch the kids, or just making sure that I stay positive throughout my treatment. I really appreciate all the support and the care as I start on this new challenge in my life.